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[16 Feb 2007|12:20am] |
i have no idea what has come across me but i honestly do not want to be at this school anymore. i finally saved enough, applied for housing for spring but even that couldn't be an anchor to make me stay. my mom is pressuring me to take my time and to "bu nien" for one quarter. in other words, take next quarter off.
yesterday jason drove out here. its been 2 and a half weeks since i last saw him. we hung out in my room for awhile. then we decided to drive to newport. first we went to condom evolution. interesting. we bought some stuff ;] then we went to the beach we must have been there for about an hour. then i had to pee. but at least we walked a lot along the wedge. we ended up driving back around 4:45. we arrived in db around 7:30 the freeway was horrible. it was not moving. but despite all the traffic and driving, it was fun.
i've only had a few significant guys in my life. but this one is for real. and the longest by far. i've been honest and open. and patient. and thats all i need. he keeps me away from the drugs.
lately im very self conscience about my nose. i really don't like my nose. i drove down to LA for a consultation. i think this is likely to happen. because i ain't changing my mind. i'm serious about my nose. and thats final. i'm putting my foot down.
lately i've been thinking a lot. jason. about drugs. ron. my close friends. rachel. school. my life four years from now. the people i've completely pushed away. i've given up on a lot of people as well. but when it comes down to it you shouldn't give up on people, not even on the shitty horrible fucked up ones. because in all honesty, when push comes to shove, you are that other person. and i never want to cut people out. i'll simply distance myself from the unhealthy ones. if it was meant to be, don't even worry, they'll come around. they'll come back. they always do.
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| i dont know. |
[18 Jan 2007|08:26pm] |
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jason asked me to be his girlfriend. and i almost laughed in his face. but instead, i stared into his eyes and gave him a shrug. with a "i think you're dumb." smile.
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[16 Dec 2006|09:46am] |
so last night was "lure him into my wrath"= success.
last night was amazing. i was at brea shopping with jelene and jason announces that he wants to come over. so i went home. tried to fix myself up because i looked awful. my hair was wavy. when the fuck do i ever wear my hair wavy. i was in the bathroom panic striken, straightning my hair, putting on make-up. and changing outfits a countless amount of times. i settled with a simple white tank and my grey sweater. and my jeans that i always wear, the ones i got from the mexican swapmeet.
jason shows up at my house at 11 p.m. out of nowhere, he pulls out a bag filled with blue toyotas!!! he gets them for $2.50 each thats so ridiculous. no more stevo i've been wasting so much money. i thought it would be boring and awkward but the e just amplified it. he comes into my room and compliments my hello kitty.
we rolled so hard it was ridiculous. i haven't felt that hard of a roll since the first time, with ron, looking at the tila tequila maxim issue. it was like 40 degrees outside and we were sweating. so we jumped over the fence into the apartment pool by my house.
i don't know why but i asked him "do you want to smoke weed" he was like yah it will be intense with the e. we went over to amandas, but we limited ourselves to one hit. because we both dislike weed. and we've both given up on yay. we talked shit about amanda/richmond/matt/some other nigger i've never seen in my entire life. he said if you're going to do drugs...and i completed it with "be smart about it."
he said "great minds think alike. dont you agree?" and i began to talk about rachel and how we think quite alike sometimes. i gave a few examples. it was fun. i've never made someone laugh so much before. or myself
we talked/walked/drove for about 6 hours straight. he liked the idea of the hello kitty tattoo. he's willing to get one.
he asked what i was doing this weekend. and i said "probably spend time with my best friend." then he asked me more about rachel. rachel pollard because i'm always talking about her. telling him how much she means to me and how we share the same brain, i was reluctant to bring it up but he wanted to hear more about this girl. i told him how she's honorary half asian and this went on for awhile. he kept asking so i continued answering.
i did not sleep. this is so ridiculous i'll do anything to sleep right now. i'm eager for rachel to return to whittier. because i've got a crazy story to tell her. which includes last night. since she complains that i never tell her about my "love life" :D
my thoughts feel so scattered right now. i think i need to write everything down before i forget
we drove back and forth to chevron the entire night. first to buy drinks. then to buy bubblelicious. because cvs didnt have it. he was eyeing the gum that rachel said "i'll trip out if i eat that right now" well something like that. then i told him about our adventure at long beach. and that mexican guy with the bike that said "aye you girls smoke bud." he wants to roll at the beach. and he wants rachel there. he said he'll bring a friend so we can be even. (so heres an opportunity for you to hit it and quit it) im kidding.
- our little sisters look a like
- our dads look ultra mexican. and have been mistaken to be the gardener by the ups man/mail man/door to door seller person.
- we both like anything flavored strawberry
- we've been growing out our hair forever. and its not really growing
- we've begun said the same things the entire night
- we like going to cvs and buying the stupidest things
oh yah. rachel for new years eve do you want to go to this thing? lots of dancing and e
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[15 Dec 2006|02:00pm] |
on the last day of finals my mom locked my keys inside my car. i had about one hour until my history final. i ran around the house, completely panic stricken. i began to sob out loud, i must have looked ridiculous. i called my dad's cell phone. no answer. i called my mom's cell phone. no answer. then i began to call everyone on my list. who the fuck is awake at 6 in the morning.
then some asian gangsta. straight out of the hood. he's from brooklyn, new york. he attends mt. sac. and works at mcdonald's what a loser.
well thank god he answered the phone. i told him i really needed a ride to irvine. and had no money. but he was like its okay, i'll take you.
the first thing freddie asks me is "aye. wanna smoke a bowl." what the fuck. who smokes a bowl at 6 in the morning. especially before your final.
i ended up about 10 minutes late to my final. but whatever.
i ended up hanging out with freddie last night, reluctantly. he was all up in this. i feel awful, because there's NO WAY i would ever go for that. it's not that he's ugly. he's just another one of those going no where in life. and i will not stand for that.
yesterday.
amanda, matt (her boyfriend), and some half black guy named richmond and i went hiking. i watched them tag on a wall behind this parking structure. who the fuck does that. i can't stand them anymore. they're pretty good. they tagged the mario brothers and that mushroom thing. it looked EXACTLY like it.
then we went hiking. i went with them about halfway, then i realized how exhausted i was.
i told them i was going back. and richmond said oh we should walk you back. i assured them i was okay on my own. but i went the wrong way and eventually found my way back. i had to walk through a lot of bushes. by the time i reached my car. i was sweaty, dirty and probably dropped like 5 pounds. it was ridiculous.
matt asked me today what i thought of richmond. "um he has really pretty eyes." i asked why. and he said. "he kept asking about you. he said you were drop dead gorgeous." i really dont give a fuck. another one of those guys i would never go for. he's nice and everything. but he dropped out of mt. sac. and besides i'm sort of seeing tim still.
jason.
jason is a half asian from riverside. he's like me, but korean. i'm looking to lure him in my wrath this weekend.
i don't need tim. i don't care if he has his own house. i don't care about his job. i don't care anymore.
amanda is useless. i haven't touched yay in so long. since the week before halloween i believe. i don't like it anymore. i don't think about it.
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[01 Dec 2006|11:43am] |
last night i went to amanda's she just got out of charter oak because she tried to run out into traffic. she got hit but didn't die as she planned. oh how pathetic. she's bipolar i really know two amandas. one is this manic stricken girl. the other is a mello pot head. to tell you the truth i hate pot heads.
this asian guy named andy was there. i always thought he was cute. but he had this ugly girlfriend named melissa. then this ugly acne faced girl was there named debbie. ron loves her. ron loves ugly people.
i don't want to be around her when i do drugs anymore. she's a waste of time. i feel sorry for that girl. thank god i am not amanda smith because that would suck
ron. ron saaman refuses to speak to me. from september 2005- september of this year we've became quite close. it breaks my heart it really does. i can't really describe it. it's like ice cracking out in the middle of nowhere. so no one hears it.
i don't like to speak about it because people might think i'm crazy. i'm obsessive over ron samaan. when he first went to rehab i said i didn't care. i said i didn't need him in my life. the truth is i feel so hopeless. i want him to talk to me. i want him to say look tiffany you need help. i got you into this and now you need to find a way to get out.
i wrote him a letter, handwritten. my sister failed to give it to him at school.
two sent messages on myspace. he read them but ignored them. i sent a friend request, he rejected it.
my theories
1. ron samaan blames me for him being in rehab
2. ron samaan isn't allowed to speak to me, mandated by his parents
3. ron samaan just hates me. i think his "about me" on myspace might be directed towards me
4. ron samaan thinks i'll supply him with drugs once again
5. ron samaan completely wants a new beginning. and not speak to anyone of his past
ron samaan got me into drugs. he introduced me. he lured me in, he talked me into snorting yay for the first time
he talked me into dropping e for the first time
he talked me into taking shit
how could he just leave me here to rot. i need him. i loved that guy. and i miss him terribly
but as long as i still have rachel i'll be fine. thats all i need.
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[20 Nov 2006|11:05am] |
Retaliation.
You could still be a good person. But a good person still can manipulate people. But the catch is, don’t admit it. Don’t inform anyone of it. Never inform anyone that you are manipulative.
It shows that we are sick. It shows that inside we are brittle. Insecure.
HAHAHA. I just pictured that in my head. You watching him fall asleep.
You always see yourself in the long term. With every single guy you’ve ever had a relationship with. And that’s completely fine. It’s a normal reaction.
My dreams are so real. They scare me they fucking scare me. I got really really high for the first time. And I remember when my brain felt like it couldn’t think anymore. I was staring down at a leaf and all of a sudden it was like it had replicated itself perfectly. And I thought it was wholeness. Then I really don’t remember after that. I don’t remember how I got home.
As I began to fall asleep, I began to see a trinket. And a jewrely box merry go around like thing. And it seperated itself into different glass boxes. And I felt that I locked away every memory that occurred that night. Because I saw it turn and it never came back around. And that was my horrible dream.
I also had a dream that I overdosed and I was alert but I couldn’t speak. My dad held me in his lap and began to shake me and said Tiffany whats wrong. What did you take. Call the fucking paramedics why are you standing there Jennifer. That was one of the fucking scariest I have had so far. And the worst part of it is that it feels so real. I never dreamt so vivid and so real before all of these drugs.
Another one, I don’t even want to begin to explain it. It was after that heroine filled pill
But you make it that way. You’re not undesirable. You can’t expect him to be loveable all the time. He just doesn’t seem like the type. But his feelings are strong for you. I could just sense it everytime you guys were near each other during Halloween. I was an outsider looking in so I can’t be wrong about this. Right?
You cry a lot. I cry a lot too. I just don’t like people seeing me cry. I hate crying. And I hate when you cry too because I feel so hopeless, as if it’s out of my reach to make you feel better.
I want to keep writing in the notebook. I think I’ve aquired sufficient and exceptional topics to write about. I need to stop neglecting it.
Writing is so much different from talking. I wish everyone could talk like they write. It would be so much easier to understand.
“And it’s not that he isn’t understanding; if he told me the things I would tell him, I’d be disappointed in him too. You just have to keep certain things from people you love; you can’t let them know all the details about the real you, because then they would realize that you are just as bad as everybody else.”
That is just perfect. I’m going to write that down and keep that forever. That’s where I fuck up everytime. That is what makes the guys go stray away from me.
I don’t know about love. I think I’m going to agree with the 10 page or so article in National Geographic. Do people have any idea how dumb they sound when they say “fuck love”. It’s something that Nichole would wear on a pink and black shirt with a pearl necklace. And a silk screened gun with hearts richoceting through a brain.
”And that’s related to what I was talking about because you don’t love beautiful things for any noble or good reason. You love because of what it does for you. Don’t you? “
What it does for you as if in how it makes you feel?
Yes. Attractiveness really does help. I feel like I get shunned on my bad days. On days that I dress sloppy. But on days that I really do put an effort into looking good. It really gets me out of trouble. It really makes life easier. At Raging Water’s I usually got what I wanted. Probably because the other girls were ultra mexican and ugly. I walked around with this aura that screamed “I’m better looking than you. But I’m still nice.” It balanced out. :D
I know what you mean about validating. When someone pretty befriends you, it feels so good. It really does confirm that you’re beautiful. And that’s what I like to hear.
I hate getting knocked down. Blown away. Because theres someone better than you. There’s a prettier girl in the room, that cancels you out. Shit like that.
I don’t care about tits and ass. I think a pretty girl needs to have less of that.
I want everyone to want to be me. Or at least have a buring desire to look like me. I want to be a show stopper god dammit.
Actually I think I was a show stopper once. There was this pretty boy riding his bike. He stared so long and so hard that he rode his bicycle right into a freshly planted tree. He fell pretty hard. I couldn’t stop laughing, it was just so fullfilling.
“But I don’t want my personality to “make up for it”. Why can’t I have both? Why can’t I have everything? Why can’t I be everything? Why should I need to compensate?”
Yes, so much of this writing is very good. I’m really writing this down. Because typing just doesn’t validate it enough.
Going to SB during Halloween sort of made me feel bad. But more good than bad. I just felt like all the attention was consistently on Cam. Like you’re entire life needed to be validated by Cam. Even when he wasn’t present. I felt like it was Cam. I felt that your life was being suffocated by Cam. Not that I don’t love Cam. Because I love every half asian.
”Look good. Do well in school.”
I think we have the same brain because I was just beginning to think that. I realized that I shouldn’t attend class looking disgusting. I should put more time and effort into my appearance because people really do judge you by appearance. But it’s not like I’m in it only for other people. I’m in it for myself because when you feel good about how you look everything is just so much easier.
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[19 Nov 2006|08:30pm] |
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i went to the dentist. no cavities! what a relief because i was pretty sure my teeth would be rotten by now.
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[17 Nov 2006|06:16pm] |
i start working at washington mutual soon. nordstrom called for the "barista" position, i dont know. i hated working at its a grind so why should i bother with that.
what a bro, don works at hollister now. the lame one at puente hills. lauren, from my english class, convinced me to apply to the one in brea, thats how desperate i am right now for a job. i might work there temporarily, just for the holiday season.
school is going well. midterms went well. im contemplating housing for spring? or at least move closer to school. the 57 is a pain in the ass, you literally move 2 mph.
i spend most of my time with jelene lately. norma is just too fat for me. mara is too rich for me. all we do is go out on eating rampages at pf changs and shop at south coast/spectrum. but im attending her birthday on dec 2. that should be interesting. i dropped e but turns out it was heroine in it than anything else. but it was really good.
heres what my life looks like next quater: biology, bio lab, physics, stats, philosophy.
i'll be going, mon/wed/fri.
sunday was interesting. amanda crawled into my trunk while i met with the dealer. as soon as i got into the car he said "dont you work at its a grind?" i was like yah. everytime i pick up e, its always from an asian. they're the most reliable.
today i saw holly and her mother at guess. holly is one of the girls who's car got vandalized right around prom time. i bought this pink dress. that was my reward for doing good on midterms. i looked straight at her mom and thought wow thats exactly how i'm going to be in a few years.
i miss you rachel.
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[05 Oct 2006|10:11pm] |
let them eat cake.
med school. med school. med school. i have to go to med school or i will not go on.
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| rebirth |
[02 Oct 2006|12:33pm] |
I'm going through a rebirth. All along, I just needed to calm the fuck down and now everything is going to be okay. As long as I do well in school get the fuck out of here in 4-8 years. I NEED to go to med school. It's my dream. I'm out of the house. I'm supporting myself. I'm not saying I'm financially stable, but I'm hanging by a thread. My parents are begging me to come home. Maybe I will. Give me a few months. Maybe I won't. Hair back to normal color. Clothes are modest. I left all the really trashy stuff behind. I really like the English professor. We get along well. I stopped by her office because she wanted me to borrow this book she had. I have three friends at school. Thats all. My debt is finally paid off. All I brought was my laptop and everything Hello Kitty that I owned. The stuff that my parents bought me, I left behind. "What about your things?" "I don't need things."
The guy I rear ended "Thanks so much Tiffany. We should hang out sometime, if thats okay with you?"
With a smile "Of course."
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[27 Sep 2006|08:42am] |
Maybe if I were pretty I could have gotten myself out of trouble. I should have mentioned "Let me lay out my "offers"." Take anything from me but money. I explained to him that I have a clean driving record and about my insurance. He agreed to let me pay under the table.Yesterday I turned eighteen. I bought cigarettes. I got into my first accident, with a half asian guy in a GTI. He was hot. "What the fuck. You've been fucking rear ending me the whole time." He was angry at first. Then I began to cry and he backed off. I had nothing to say to him.
And I did it, I'm out of my house. For now. Maybe one day I will decide to come back, I'm not sure.
Last night, dinner with Jelene, Mara, and Norma. I don't connect with them anymore. I didn't really have an appetite. Who likes PF CHANGS anyway. Then I visted the dorms. Norma hates her roomate. As do I. She never stops talking. And Jelene, Arroyo Vista is ridiculously nice.
"You're detached. Don't even worry about it, theres nothing you could do now." I didn't really go into detail with them, because I would have felt guilty for saying it in front of Jelene, because she's been through a lot worse. I'm anxiously awaiting a phone call. an estimate how much repairs will be. Looks like I'm going to have to fuck my way out of this. I don't know what I'm going to do. Hard earned money, down the drain. I'm so fucking careless. I let this happen. I could have prevented. Maybe by waking up on time and remembering to turn my alarm on. I'm guilty.
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[19 Aug 2006|02:34pm] |
i too am becoming upset over pictures. i even saved them to my computer and keep looking at them in disbelief. i thought i was the one. i thought that everything was going back together but this time it would be better. but why did brad let me think that way. now im back in the same place. i can't decide which is better. us not talking completely. or throwing me in a corner because he found stephanie once again. i guess they are a good match for each other and i could let them be. afterall, this is his longest and they've been on and off but it's a strong relationship. i'll explain more later. but thanks to myspace. you could throw people into anger confusion obsession and hurt.
i like ron but i still like rachel better. put us together and we become crazy. bitchy. unbearable.disgusting. perverted. we don't sleep but i draw naked pictures on his wall with his chalk. and we write nice little notes to each other:
by the time i let you help me i was already on the ground.
i just want to live in your room all day and all year long cleaning out your closet and sleep on your bed. i used to lay in that bed for hours nameing all the cracks on your wall telling you to play something i had heard a hundred times before.i would open up your moms liquor cabinet while you would read magazines on the floor and i would throw up issue after issue until you just couldnt take it anymore.i would wear your t-shirts as if they were mine and say no one could ever be too thin and you would claim im too detached, im pulling away, and inconsiderate but they were battles you would never win. scream. and throw a tantrum. storm out of your room and hide inside the shower and i would just stay lying in your bed crying under the covers. we both knew i was hopeless and would never get better. still we would always go back and lay under those dim lights and never have enough strength to do what was plainly right. you would just hold and breath, little one, until we fell asleep. disregarding and ignoring the secrets we had to keep.
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[15 Aug 2006|09:52pm] |
im in terrible condition. cigarettes and red bull everyday. and im required to taste EVERYTHING i make.
i feel sick from sampling everything i make at its a grind. when no one is looking i quietly pour it down the sink. or i pretend to taste it. it's going to make me fat. im sick of coffee but the apple cider is good and so is the mango thing.
the peanut butter drink is disgusting. its usually one full scoop of peanut butter then the chocolate powders and then the toddy. but this one huge guy asked for two extra scoops. big scoops. i threw it in the blender. disgusted.
tommorow rachel and i are going to moscow. then maybe tigerheat on thursday. i'm going to request next sunday off so we could go to beat it.
working my ass off. money hungry.
kohls 7 am-10pm. how ridiculous.
i spent most of the day folding pants in the mens department.
sometimes i have work back to back. kohls then its a grind. its a grind then kohls. im tired.
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[12 Aug 2006|10:17pm] |
this week has been fun. rachel and i went to moscow on wednesday.
i started to read bulletproof buddhists again. well some of the essays at least.
im not prepared for anything. everyday it just feels like i'm walking out of someone's funeral or something. not sad or anything. just feeling strange.
and amanda smith. i really can't explain it. after spending most of the day with amanda on friday. she really is an intellectual. our conversations were crazy. manic bipolar and a drug addict all in one. it makes me really sad talking to her. or maybe i'm just mistaken and its just the yay talking. out of her mouth.
another lingering thought. as college nears i feel like im making a mistake.
my dad said i'm not allowed to move out. okay. according the the law a person is no longer a child upon turning eighteen.
my mom really thinks i should be out. and learn how to take care of myself.
oh i don't know. theres just a lot of tension. for the most part, all i feel is guilt.
car shopping tommorow. i have no idea.
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[09 Aug 2006|12:40am] |
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Out of the blue. My mom decided to call. And I burst into fucking tears.
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[08 Aug 2006|12:27am] |
just feel like pulling downwards and snapping forward. what creates this. it was just awful. i was suppose to be somewhere tonight but instead i chose here. i feel asleep mid afternoon. i didnt realize how long this nap would eventually be. and now im wide awake and i have regret what i have done.
aria wants to go to moscow this wednesday we'll see. should be fun especially if that one british guy comes. daniel? i think that is his name. apparently mumta was punched in the face a few weeks ago. i want to see some drama.
speaking of drama. amanda's mom went crazy today. she was like i don't want any fucking drug deals in this house. i like amanda's friend but this is just too much. if you want to do it go down the street. im tired of this shit. oh poor ruth. they're not awful parents just blessed with crazy awful vile children. amanda is fucking crazy. you wouldn't understand unless you saw it for yourself.
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[06 Aug 2006|05:22pm] |
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i want my mom to be back so everything could be normal. everyone tells me that shes busy. but i know the truth is, she really doesn't want to talk to me. when she arrives its probably going to be a luggage full of hello kitty to get me to shut up. i'm going to my back up school. i never did anything right. and i could calm down after she arrives. it feels like back to real life again. i did laundry, i did the dishes. i basically cleaned everything. and i feel happy. a genuine kind of happy. i think i've decided to spent the entire day alone. well i already have. im going to lacma in a few minutes.
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[05 Aug 2006|10:08pm] |
kohl's today was tiring. i worked some kind of grave yard shift for the sale. i convinced 4 customers to open up a kohl's credit card today. talk bullshit pretend you know you you're doing. then they give in. but somehow i enjoy working there. i wouldn't mind staying for the next year or so.
i went to the beach today with teresa and elaine. i'm very very tired. the waves were unforgiving. i really suck at surfing. oh i can't even begin to imagine how ridiculous i look.
jenny ting and tony were sitting beside us the entire time and we didnt notice. probably because they were sunbathing under a towel? but how strange. a beach that streches for miles and miles and then you see people that you've last seen back at graduation. they're cute together. tony is black and jenny is chinese. if they had children they would be gorgeous and thin and tall. they really would they would come out something along the lines of aria woods. i'm obessesed with half asians. these are things that people should consider. when the time comes to get married. i'm going to consider genetic factors. who cares about love or money. you're children need to be beautiful.
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[04 Aug 2006|10:06am] |
It's a good idea to be keeping a journal for the next four years at least. A month and a half left. Late September, classes on Tuesday and Thursday. Within two, I hope to be out of UCI. Within four, I hope to be earning a bachelors. But somewhere along the way I know I would ruin it, so lets say 5 years.
Theres something wrong I was hoping it was a minor problem. But apparently not. I forgot that your information doesn't need to be released to your parents. I'm going to see a doctor tommorow if these complications persist.
I really wanted to go last night with Rachel but I felt so sick. There was blood in my urine. And I felt really naseous. I don't even remember a time when I felt that horrible because I usually don't get sick.
Ron and I went to souplantation for lunch. We felt sick but forced ourselves to eat. I'm glad we did, because now I'm not so naseous. Nothing is ever normal with that guy. But I love him to death and thankful we've found each other.
It was back in late October when I was assigned a SWAP for missing detention. I missed the detention because I was done at 12:15 everyday. But as I was sweeping leaves I noticed a little twiggy boy with nice hair and a bit of a sassy attitude. I liked it. It started off with "I like your jeans." "Well fuck those are expensive. i like yours too"
Then he wasn't alone anymore. We talked for the next hour and a half of sweeping leaves. Then at the end. He suggusted we hang out. I took his number down on my check stub. with eyeliner.
I don't care how awful he makes me feel. It's horrible how we come together and make a huge destructive mess each time. I'll be seeing him later tonight. The usual agenda. With Nicole gone, all he has is me. Alex will be gone. and we've both decided to stray from amanda. and when rachel leaves i'll be sad. but then i have this crazy guy to turn to.
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